look around you - people are waggish

Modesty? RAIN CHECK!

2009-07-14T06:28:23Z

Humans.. Humans are the strangest of them all. I'm not including myself in this article because I consider myself something a little less. I wouldn't mind being considered a monkey, at least when they act like complete retards they have a reason to. Humans have no excuse.. we have a conscious and a larger brain after all. At least if you're a monkey and your flinging shit for no reason, it's okay.

I'm bring this up because when I was at Six Flags on Saturday with my brother.. I saw too much human than needed be, and many human behaviors that I'd much rather not remember. Humans should stick by some simple easy rules:

IF THE BATHING SUIT FITS....
This does not mean you should be wearing a bikini.
1. If the multiple fat rolls on your back are touching.. no.
2. If your gut is bigger than your tits... no
3. If your stretch marks resemble tiger stripes.. no
4. If your body consists of more cellulite than anything else.. no

IF IT'S YELLOW - CLIP IT
Sandals are not made for everybody
1. If your toenail has fallen off and is green.. no
2. If it looks like a blind man has made an attempt to trim them 3 years ago.. no
3. If you have bleeding corns.. no
4. If the birds are mistaking them for super-sized maggots.. no

IF ITS SO SMALL THAT...
One size does not fit all.
1. If your ass cheeks are about 90% visible.. no
2. If you're a DD and 50 years old with no bra.. no
3. If you're stomach is hanging out and it's certainly not pregnancy weight.. no
4. If one is unable to make out what your shitty t-shirt even says because its 5 sizes stretched out.. no

I hope you all learned a lesson from this.

Tube O' Spermicide

2009-03-11T05:27:36Z

So I haven't blogged in a while. I was too busy being too much of an asshole making asshole babies. That's what I do best!

So.. I always randomly remember shit stories. So here is one for you. P.S. The name is changed because of course these are like the most embarassing stories ever!!!

First: I used to hang out with this girl that lived a few houses down, and we hung out A LOT. So one time she called me to the bathroom after she dropped a deuce because her shit was pink for some reason. She showed me her amazing pink fecal matter and I totally dared her to lick it! She totally did, That's the end of my story and nothing else happened. Boring but nasty.

This next story I am posting her real name because she once stole my 50 dollar kohls gift card. Megan Benson came over and she had to take a shit and for some reason I wouldn't let her use my bathroom or something. So she took a shit in my backyard into a plastic cup and had to wipe her ass with leaves, LOL. It was a huge dump by the way!! Well for some reason we just didn't leave it at that, we decided to put the shit in a sock and leave it on the door step of the guy that lived a few houses down that was handicapped! LMAO

One more story about Miss crazy-clepto-wackjob Benson. I had recieved a lovely gift from my uncle - a massive winnie-the-pooh who was just sooo cutsie! Well, at the time me and Megan were like BFF (unfortunately) and for some odd reason she would hump my poor winnie-the-pooh. Not just a regular "ha ha that's funny" hump, she was actually like moaning and saying a kid's name who she had a crush on (What ever happened to Jerry Studyvin) She would also put random things on her nipples. Don't be surprised if you see her on foot-fetish porn websites stepping in horse semen.

Ok okay, ONE MORE about this crazy broad. So she totally had a lovely birthday party at the skating rink and only the VIP of the school was invited (Kiley, Liz and myself) So afterwards me and Kiley ended up staying the night (mistake), and we were all sleeping on the pull out bed in the living room. I woke up to her wreaking of pussy, her hands all up in that business getting freaky with herself. I woke up Kiley and it was just a weird situation, holy shit. This was in 4th or 5th grade by the way!!

____________
So I thought I would start of list of things that do not work!

1. Doing CPR on a bed.

Their body would just bend like a banana. Or what if you were to do it on a temperpedic?

2. Choking on ice.

Worst possible way to committ suicide. It would be one of the many failed attempts

________

** To be continued.

Cheers, xoxo.

Tales from the Bearded Clam

2009-03-06T04:56:28Z

So I thought since I started my period yesterday I would write the most craziest period stories I know! Although they aren't about me, I apologize. My menstural cycles are not that exciting.

So the first one.. Just so you know these are quite embarrassing indeed so the names have been changed of the people.

It was Me, Sadie, and Crystal and we were all hanging out in Resthaven (not a good place to be) They ended up drinking hardcore while I just hung out. Anyway.. . we ended up going home pretty late/early, and once the girls eventually woke up Crystal noticed that her tampon was missing, and she doesn't remember taking it out or having sex. It was a mystery as well as forgotten. A few weeks later we are in the parking lot of Walgreens and I lose the ball to my new lip ring so I'm freaking out. We're searching high and low, and as we look under my seat.. there is that damn tampon! What the hell! That was the most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed. LOL But you have to laugh.

Now this next story, I'm not sure how true it is but I've heard it about a girl I know from one of her colleages that I'm friends with.

Okay, so one day Tracey was working, and I guess she was complaining that her tampon was hurting here. Let me mention that she was behind the check-out counter during this time. After making sure no customers were looking (she works at a hardware store) she stuck her hand down her pants and pulled the tampon out and threw it away like nothing happened. LOL! Who does that!!!

The end. xoxo

Titanic!

2009-03-05T02:17:39Z

So the last entry I ended it with a note on shit, so I thought I would post my most embarrassing shit stories! They're REALLY funny.

Okay - So when I was younger I was like afraid to go to the bathroom or something so I would hold it. Anyway, during this time I would distract myself by talking to myself in a British accent. I don't remember what I would say, but even afterwards I STILL wouldn't go to the bathroom. So this one time I used one of my dad's bandanas to wipe my ass and for some stupid reason I put it back in the drawer. LOL! Anyway I obviously knew it was wrong but I just did not like the bathroom I guess. Also - no pun intended - I would hide my dirty underoo's in my pooh bear bookbag!

Next - This one time I had to do a "number 2" at Wal-Mart and I felt stupid so I called my friend Melissa and was acting like a dumb kid in the bathroom. In the meantime I was taking a huge dump! Like it took me thirty minutes at least to get this Titanic out! LMAO! So when I was finally done I go to flush the toliet and my submarine clogged the toliet! That thing was in there like a sunken ship. (You like my naval jokes?) It was pretty intense!

That's all folks!

Accidents Happen!

2009-03-04T04:02:36Z

So before I post, the point of this blog is to try and be funny without making fun of anybody which I've noticed is incredibly hard for me to do.

Well if you haven't heard I'm on a "diet." Yah yah, Weight Watchers isn't a "diet." Listen, if I can't eat a fucking Big Mac without worrying how many calories or fat grams are in it - it's a diet!

So anyway, I kind of got off topic,

The whole diet thing, Well I switched to the Momentum plan and there are like guide lines you have to meet to become a more better and healthy YOU. (LOL) Okay, so the first thing is trying to drink eight 8oz glasses of water a day. I'm usually between 6 and 8, but the more I drink the more I have to use the bathroom. (What goes up must come down?)

Okay well this leads to a new problem: The Bathroom. Sometimes I have to go so bad because of all this yummy water I've been consuming that I worry that I won't make it to the bathroom in time.

I've noticed that when I'm booking ass to the bathroom and I notice the toilet seat is down.. it's like a dead end. A red alert. The toliet seat should be up so I can sit ASAP without making a mess!!!

What's even worse is when I KNOW the seat is down, and I know as soon as I open the bathroom door I have about 2.3 seconds to get my pants down, the seat up, and my ass on the toliet before an accident happens!

I guess it's kind of the same way if you have the shits. It's all fun and games until you pull into your drive way. It's like the closer you get your house to let loose, the worse the pressure gets and the tighter your butthole clenches. Well my friend, your butthole can only clench for so long. Granted it's strong, but it doesn't train for this kind of shit.

Accidents Happen!